“We need to talk.”
That simple sentence can spark fear and trembling, especially when we disagree and the stakes are high. We know that conversation is the path forward but we also fear that the conversation will be unproductive and difficult and so we avoid it or we have it at the wrong time and in the wrong way.
Relationships, by their very nature, create heat. On the one hand, we want so much to be connected—to be unified, to be together, to belong. On the other hand, we are so different! In congregations, in families and in workplaces, we have different experiences, different opinions, different stories, different ideas about what is right and wrong, what is okay and not okay.
Our differences frustrate and confuse us. The result is heat.
Creating a container for conversation is like creating a fire pit for a fire. When the heat of normal relationships is generated, the container has to be strong enough to hold the fire without hurting anyone or destroying anything. In fact, while the fire blazes, we can stand around it and enjoy it without fear of what it might do.
The word container tells us what we need to know about this process: “con” (with) and “tener” (to hold); literally, “to hold together” or “to hold with others.” In conversation, we trust the container process to hold our relationship together while we talk things out, even if things get heated. The container keeps us safe so that we can understand each other and learn together.
A container is a structure. It consists of agreements and boundaries and values, all mutually agreed upon ahead of time.
Creating a container for conversation means that we decide how we will have the conversation in a way that is both safe and challenging. In fact, taking the time to create the container together builds our capacity to then have the hard conversations.
The key question in creating a container for conversation is not, “How can we agree?” The container assumes that we will disagree, not because we are bad but because we are human.
Rather, the question is, “How will we be together in the face of disagreement?” Will we focus on trying to get our way, trying to get others to give in to us? Will we sulk, gossiping and sabotaging things when they don’t go our way? Will we talk over people and demand to be heard? Will we pretend like everything is okay even when things are tense and difficult?
Or will we build containers for productive conversation so that we can communicate the way God intends for us? After all, it was the apostle Paul who reminds us that we can “speak the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15) James tells us that we should be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19)
Here are a few ways to begin to create a container for the difficult conversations that we know we need to have:
Have a clear intention that is shared by all involved. What do we really want? Is it just to get our way? Or do we want something bigger than that? A container works best when we are seeking to move forward with others in a way that includes everyone.
Together identify your core values. What is really important to us as we have this conversation? One group I worked with agreed from the outset that they had a value of curiosity; they wanted to understand all the points of view. Another important value might be inclusion, that each person matters as much as the others. Authenticity and confidentiality are other core values that we might agree upon.
Create agreements to provide structure. Once we know what our values are, we will know what kinds of agreements we will make. Some agreements are basic: we will not interrupt each other, we will not shout, we will take frequent breaks. Other agreements may be more complex. We may form agreements about when and how we will make a difficult decision, for example. Will the majority rule or do we need to be unanimous? These agreements are best made at the beginning, when we are creating our container.
And what will we do when one of us disregards the agreements or acts counter to our values? Our efforts to create a container are only as good as our willingness to hold each other accountable, lovingly and firmly.
Use a talking object. The object reminds all of us that the person holding it is responsible for talking. If you’re not holding it, you’re responsible for managing yourself with curiosity and empathy. You are not responsible for managing the whole circle or others’ places in the circle. You are only—and completely—responsible for yourself.
Sit in a circle, no matter how many people are involved. This reminds us that we are all equal participants in the conversation and also allows us to see and hear the person who is speaking.
Remember the role of the leader is very specific: to hold the boundaries of the conversation according to our agreements, to watch for what is trying to emerge and to keep things both safe and challenging.
Heat is not bad. It’s not good either. It’s just what happens when you put different people in relationships and ask them to work together on anything that matters. We can create containers for conversation in our families, our congregations and our workplaces.
When we create a container for our overheated conversations, we can have them without hurting ourselves or anyone else and we can make progress toward mutual understanding and decision-making.
