Here’s what I tell clients who ask about the Enneagram: It’s completely bogus as a clinical tool. Its validity and reliability are mostly untested and the whole concept of personality is a little sketchy anyway. And also, it’s brilliant at giving us language for exploring our inner lives and understanding our relationships and working with it helped transform my life.
Years ago, I was reading the daily emails from Richard Rohr when he started a series on the Enneagram.
This was at a time when my life was full of very good things, but too much of a good thing is still too much. I loved my life but I was way too far over my skis, feeling out of control and I didn’t know how to stop.
When I read the description of the Two style, my eyes welled up with tears. His description of The Helper – full of love and sensitive to the needs of others, the genuine desire to give but also to control, giving to get – felt like looking in a mirror. It was a profound resonance that was both unsettling and hopeful.
I was happy that I was able to contribute good things to the world but I felt like there was never enough of me to meet the demand. I was becoming brittle and resentful and also just very, very tired.
I sent a message to Ann, my counselor, with Rohr’s email attached and added, “This. This is my work.” For a year, we worked on all of this. She encouraged me to see my giftedness, telling me, “Empathy is your superpower” and also, to face my fear of disappointing others and losing their love and approval.
She challenged me to practice a new way of being, beginning with disappointing people on purpose.
First, I got more awareness about how the Two style was handed to me before I was even born. Then, I started saying no, even to people I knew I could help. My friend asked me if there was any way he could support me in this work and I said, “Prepare to be disappointed!” as I started blocking off time when I was unavailable. I made a decision that was right for me and my family but deeply disappointed someone I love very much.
Gradually, my life got saner and I got happier. I learned to tolerate the disappointment of others. I started to say more clearly what I needed. I stopped letting other people’s needs determine my responses. I played more and read more.
One day, talking with Ann a year later, I said, “You know, I’m coming to see that I’m not actually a Two . . .” She smiled and nodded. “No, I don’t think you are either.” I answered, “When I look at my internal motivations and fears, I think I’m actually a . . .”
And a new adventure began.
