Because we developed our unique reactive pattern in our family of origin, changing how we relate to that family clears the way for changing [other] relationships. This means staying connected to the family of origin without taking on its anxiety and remaining less anxious and less reactive in the face of old patterns.
The Leader’s Journey, chapter 7, Going Home Again
When we hear the phrase “family of origin work,” it is easy to assume it means “to work on our family of origin.” Who among us doesn’t wish for chances to fix our family members – for their own good, of course?
The term might be misleading because family of origin work refers to the work we do on ourselves to better see and understand how our families work and how they shaped (and continue to shape) us and how we experience the world.
To do family of origin work starts in one place: curiosity.
Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to become an observer of your family. Channel your inner Jane Goodall or Harriet the Spy and watch your family interact as if you’ve never seen them before.
To do this, you will suspend judgement and watch as if you were a journalist or an anthropologist. A few things you might pay attention to:
- Which family members are present? Who isn’t present? What changes have happened since the last time you were together?
- Who talks more? Who doesn’t talk as much? Who gets talked about?
- Who takes care of people? Who do they take care of? Who gets taken care of?
- Do things ever get tense? If so, what happens next? And then what happens after that?
- What groups congregate where? Do the groups stay the same or do they change over time? Who goes from group to group? Who stays with the same people?
- How do the generations interact?
In order to be an effective observer, you will have to temporarily let go of assumptions and expectations. You’ll have to give up the stories in which you see yourself as the victim or the savior of the family.
As you watch, look for surprises. Expect to see the unexpected.
You’ll also practice watching yourself: what do you see about your own interactions with the various people in your family? Who do you move towards? When do you move away? What feels comfortable to you? What feels uncomfortable? What do you do when you feel uncomfortable?
There are a few things that this first step of family of origin work is not:
- It is not an attempt to fix the family. We’re only observing, not interfering.
- It is not for the purpose of diagnosis or blame. We don’t speculate about our family members’ motivations or intentions; those are internal and we are only interested in what we can see and observe.
- Likewise, it is not about our own introspection. Our research is more interested in our own behavior and reactions than with our intentions or emotions.
There are a lot of good resources for beginners out there and these are a few of our favorites:
- Chapter 7 of The Leader’s Journey is entitled Going Home Again. It is an easy place to start.
- Family Ties That Bind: A Self-help Guide to Change Through Family of Origin Therapy and Becoming a Healthier Pastor: Family Systems Theory and the Pastor’s Own Family, both by Ronald W. Richardson, are practical primers that walk you through the process like a personal mentor.
- Kathleen Smith’s substack The Anxious Overachiever is an essential resource and this article is an absolute gem. (Tip: if you don’t want to give your email address just yet, you can still access the articles. I predict that you’ll subscribe at some point, though.)
And if you want to do this work with a coach, we’d love to hear from you.
