“ADHD: it’s not a disability, it’s a different ability” – so reads the t-shirt my child has worn so frequently the text is barely visible and the shirt no longer fits.
My son doesn’t “have” ADHD, my child is an ADHD-er; this distinction has been important in growing up as someone who functions differently in the world.
How you frame things matters: it isn’t that your brain is defective, it simply works in a different way.
The world labels you as having a “disability” and a “deficiency of attention” because they don’t currently have better categories for neurodivergent learners. Learning to see yourself and understand your own unique brain and how you process the world in ways that are different from others – these challenges are a part of what it has meant to grow up with a diagnosis that tells you, “you are different.”
There is a great deal of wonderful and helpful research available on navigating the world as someone who is ADHD. And there are still people who will insist on telling you that if you had been a better parent, more disciplined, and had fed your child less sugar, red dye or gluten, they would be “normal”. There will be people who tell your child that there’s something wrong with them.
Learning to navigate the world with so much noise can be hard. My son has learned to embrace his unique and sometimes challenging brain, to work with rather than fight against the supports offered. He inspires me regularly with his embrace of who he is, his self-awareness and his willingness to keep learning.
As a leader, as a pastor, as a parent I have learned so much from him and the way he navigates the world, he’s made me a better person. As he heads off to college, I have been reflecting on the lessons he has taught me that are applicable beyond neurodivergence and beyond childhood.
- Ask for what you need – no one knows if you need assistance, or what will help you if you are unwilling to be brave and ask.
- Use the tools you have, and the tools offered to you – there is a wealth of wisdom in the world if you are humble enough to try something that has worked well for someone else.
- Don’t be afraid to try something else – not everything will work for you, don’t be afraid to stop, shift, try something different.
- Contextualize – tools may still need to be adapted to fit your needs, the situation, or style of the person or organization using them.
- What works today may not work tomorrow – human beings are constantly changing, the world is constantly changing, we must continue to adjust, learn and adapt.
- Embrace who you are – pretending to be someone else, seeking to fit into a particular mold doesn’t serve you or the world.
- Play to your strengths – we all have learning to do, we can all get better but leaning into your gifts and strengths makes it easier to learn.
- Be aware of your limits – sometimes you hit a wall, need to move, change direction, or just take a break. Limits are there to help us.
- Follow the rabbit hole – learning and creativity are sometimes best found in deep dives of interest, curiosity, and wonder.
When I was a kid, I would have given anything to “fit in,” I twisted myself into all sorts of knots trying to be what I imagined the world wanted me to be. I learned to play small and shrink. When that didn’t work, I learned to shout and be angry. I practiced puffing up and I practiced hiding.
It took me decades to learn what my son seems to know from somewhere deep within his soul that he is fearfully and wonderfully made. Or as a favorite song of his puts it: “I do my little lonely dance. I don’t need you to understand and there’s no way I’m stopping. It’s like nobody’s watching as I do my little lonely dance.” – Cody Carson of Set It Off.
Perhaps then the greatest lesson my son has offered me over and over is that of learning to be comfortable in my own skin; to embrace the person I am not a version of myself I wish to be or that I believe the world wants me to be.
