Who are you, really?
Who are you when no one is watching?
What do you do when no one is there to decide for you?
What do you value when you’re not trying to please or control others? (I’m wondering as I write this: Am I ever not trying to please or control others?)
What do you believe in so deeply that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks?
These are the questions that lead us to work on our guiding principles, rooted in our basic self, “the best, most mature, reliable part of us,” according to Roberta Gilbert in The Cornerstone Concept. *
Our guiding principles are what guide our decision-making and our behavior when we are thinking for ourselves and acting out of our essential beliefs and commitments.
I tend to accommodate. I’m really good at figuring out what you want from me and finding a way to give it to you–and I do that so instinctively that I don’t even realize I’m doing it. Of course, then I may resent you because you “made” me do things your way. This pattern is deeply rooted in fusion and anxiety, much of it learned in my first formation. This is part of my pseudo-self, that massive part of me that is fused to other people and driven by anxiety, theirs and mine.
The good news is that I have a lifetime to observe my pseudo self (without shame or judgment) and to grow my basic self over time. This is a complicated and often messy process but it helps me to program (and re-program) the GPS of my life so that I end up closer to where I want to be when it counts.
Here are some questions that I’ve found helpful in this undertaking:
What do things look like from the balcony?
When I can step out of the intensity of the emotional process and watch my patterns as an observer, a world of options opens up for me. This helps me to notice my actual patterned behavior and choices as opposed to my inner emotional experience.
How much am I thinking for myself? Am I taking responsibility for myself or expecting others to figure things out for me?
My guiding principles are my own. I am the one who must determine what they are, test them and live them out.
How can I unstick myself from my own patterned pseudo-self behavior and from the emotional pressure and anxiety of others?
When I begin to name and follow my own north star, it will inevitably create friction with others (and even with my own disgruntled internal autopilot). All these forces will push back on the changes they see in me – and this is important – even if those are good changes. This “change back” reaction is baked into the system and my job is to cheerfully stay my course.
What is more important to me than pleasing or controlling others?
Ultimately, the answers to this question will comprise my guiding principles, whether I’m aware of it or not.
What will I pre-decide?
If I have a pro-tip (and I’m not sure that I do), it would be this: I find that naming my guiding principles and then deciding ahead of time how I will practice them in the predictability of my real life makes all the difference.
How will I practice in my family and in my real life?
As much as I’d like to do this work theoretically and even hypothetically, that’s not how it works. The most authentic work I can do is in my own family over time.** I can also practice in the opportunities that real life is always ready to provide for me.
Would you take a minute (or bookmark this page) to answer these questions for yourself? And take advantage of two opportunities to keep this learning alive for yourself: join Jim and Trisha for the Zoom Dialogue on September 16 at 11 am CDT. We’ll talk about naming and testing our guiding principles, a real-time conversation about how to do this work. Also, subscribe to our podcast and watch for the upcoming episode on this topic.
*The Cornerstone Concept: In Leadership, In Life by Roberta M. Gilbert, MD is my favorite resource for understanding and thinking through guiding principles in real life.
**Family Ties That Bind by Ronald Richardson helps me get to the balcony and see my patterns and see options for practicing differently.
