I love the idea that conversation is like a game of catch. Seeing communication this way has helped me level up my conversation skills as a leader and have more fun.
A game of catch feels satisfying, enjoyable. The point is to be together, doing something interesting. It may be easy as we gently toss to each other. We can also make it challenging. I’ve watched kids back away from each other until they’re far enough apart to challenge themselves but close enough to complete the throw. Both kinds of catch are fun.
To make a game of catch work, we do some things:
- We take turns and establish a back-and-forth rhythm.
- We show up to play, not to win.
- In fact, we make sure to throw so that the other person can catch.
Like a game of catch, a conversation is something we create together, with similar expectations and intentions. In that simplicity, leaders often unintentionally make things harder than they have to be.
To make a dialogue work, we do some things:
Talk so people can listen.
In a game of catch, we throw so others can catch. We throw differently depending on whether we’re playing with a toddler or a Little Leaguer or a softball star or a dog. When we talk so people can listen, we could:
- Speak for ourselves. We say what we think without trying to persuade the other person or bend them to our will. This is especially hard for leaders to do.
- Tell our story. Stories will always make conversation more interesting and telling our story will almost always be more engaging than litigating our opinions.
- Regulate our nervous system. What kills a game of catch is when someone gets frustrated and takes their ball and goes home or uses it as a weapon of aggression. What kills a conversation is similar. Regulating my own nervous system so that I can stay calmly engaged is my responsibility and not my partner’s.
Listen so people can talk.
Catching the ball is at least as important to the game as throwing it. We pay attention and stay focused, positioning ourselves to receive the message that is being sent our way. That might mean:
- Putting away our technology and giving our full attention. I can’t catch a ball while looking at my smart watch and I can’t have a fruitful conversation looking at my phone. For a busy leader to keep the phone in the pocket and the watch on silent is a gift to the person on the other side of the conversation.
- Checking for understanding. We often say politely, “I understand what you’re saying but . . .” leaving the other person to wonder whether we actually do understand what they’re saying. Following up with a generous summary of what we heard, listening between the lines, and then asking, “Did I get that right?” is a top-level skill.
- Not interrupting. Interrupting is no different than snatching the ball away. It means, whether we intend it or not, “What I have to say is more important than what you have to say.” There are exceptions, of course, but as a general rule, interrupting is the opposite of the back-and-forth rhythm that makes catch and conversation work.
Get ready to take turns.
While we are well-meaning, leaders are notoriously bad at sharing space. We tend to talk more than we listen and we tend to dominate the flow of conversation. At TLJ, when we lead groups of senior leaders with their teams, we often remind the leader not to dominate the discussion but to be sure everyone gets a turn. Then we watch, bemused, from the front of the room as the leaders at every table do most of the talking. It’s simple but it’s effective: a game of catch only works if we take turns.
Let go of the need to win.
Just like you can’t win a game of catch, you can’t win a conversation. Leaders often use conversation to persuade others to their point of view. They assume that they will explain their position and others will automatically see their point and follow their lead. If others don’t, leaders often assume that they need to keep talking until the persuasion is complete. However, for a conversation to truly be a dialogue, we have to let go of the need to convince the other person. If the conversation can only be successful if the other person agrees with us, it’s not really a dialogue.
In leadership and in relationships, change happens at the speed of dialogue. Whether we need to change systems and structures or whether we need to change hearts and minds, we can only move as fast or as effectively as our conversations.
Although most leaders are above average at communication, we can also get in our own way and make things harder than they have to be.
Unless we think about playing a game of catch . . .
Your turn . . .
