In the last podcast, we explored the guiding principle of hospitality with writer and spiritual director Laura Baghdassarian Murray. We hope you enjoy this excerpt from her upcoming book, Becoming a Person of Welcome.
In The Gifts of Imperfection, social scientist Brenè Brown distinguishes between belonging and fitting in: “Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming whoyou need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”
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To be hospitable, an environment needs to be low on fear, insecurity, and anxiety, and high on dependence, curiosity, gratitude and belonging. Any space with high levels of fear, insecurity, and stress will demand fitting in rather than belonging. A culture of fear leads to judgment and cutting others off. A people of insecurity will see anyone’s gifts as a threat. An environment of anxiety wants to keep things in order and the same.
Too many places are beset by fear, insecurity, and anxiety. These spaces welcome, but with limits: come, but you have to look and speak and contribute in certain ways. In these places, participating consists of toeing the party line and fitting in, not cultivating a space where people belong and are nourished. This is counterfeit hospitality.
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The places that welcome us with counterfeit hospitality can seem like the real thing at first. At first we feel warmth, welcome, and excitement. We become a part of the culture and people, and make deep friendships. But then we take a slight step out of line and the warmth turns cold. We begin to receive hostility rather than hospitality.
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Whether we’re familiar with rejection or not, we can become people of welcome.
Rejection often helps us to be more aware of those who are typically not welcome.
People of welcome have often experienced rejection: they can notice the stranger or outside more easily. Knowing how it feels, they can connect and welcome others. A few postures and practices allow us to welcome strangers and to take care of those on the fringes.
First of all, we must remain dependent and vulnerable . . . When we do this, we remember more easily what it is to be a stranger and recognize when someone is an outsider. In this posture, we remain tender and compassionate.
We also remain in places of hospitality . . . so that we might use the good gifts God has given us. We cultivate gratitude and a deeper understanding of genuine hospitality as we remain. Staying in a place that has welcomed us develops our muscles of dependence. Given this good and healthy understanding of hospitality, we can better recognize places of counterfeit hospitality.
Finally, we remain curious: curious about God, about ourselves, about the world and about others . . . This curiosity also keeps us in a posture of gentleness and hospitality toward ourselves . . .
This curiosity makes way for patience; it means we can enjoy the present and the people God has brought.
Taken from Becoming a Person of Welcome by Laura Baghdassarian Murray ©2025 by Laura Baghdassarian Murray. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press. www.ivpress.com.
Laura Baghdassarian Murray (DMin, Fuller Seminary) is the director of spiritual engagement and innovation at Fuller Seminary’s Center for Spiritual Formation. She is the author of Pray as You Are, serves on the Ministry Collaborative Advisory Board, and previously served at Highland Park Presbyterian Church as the pastor of spiritual formation. Laura is also the founder of the Digital Silent Retreat Ministry, which is rooted in the practice of hospitality to provide brave and courageous spaces for people to connect with God and others (www.digitalsilentretreats.com). She lives in the Dallas area with her husband and two children.
