In my years of coaching pastors and leadership teams, I’ve come to believe that the emotional maturity of a congregation rarely rises above that of its leaders.
If leaders are reactive, defensive, and self-protective, the congregation mirrors those patterns. When leaders commit to the slow, courageous work of becoming more self-aware, empathetic, and relationally healthy, that posture ripples outward—shaping the entire culture of the church.
Over time, I’ve seen some practices that, when done faithfully, help congregations grow in these ways. They don’t require flashy programs or new technology. They require presence, humility, and consistency. Here are some of the most powerful ones:
1. Normalize Talking About Anxiety
Every congregation has anxiety—it’s what happens whenever people care deeply about something that’s uncertain. Anxiety shows up in board meetings, in volunteer teams, and in worship services. It often hides behind conflict, gossip, overfunctioning, or avoidance.
Healthy congregations don’t pretend anxiety isn’t there.
They name it. They talk about it. They learn to notice how it shows up in their bodies and relationships. One leader I work with begins staff meetings by asking, “What’s making us anxious today?” That simple question normalizes awareness rather than denial. It helps people differentiate between the problem they’re trying to solve and the anxiety surrounding the problem. Over time, that awareness builds resilience and reduces reactivity. (Philippians 4:6–7)
2. Practice Emotional Honesty at the Leadership Level
If leaders don’t model emotional honesty, no one else will.
I’ve seen tremendous growth in congregations where pastors and elders learned to say things like, “I felt defensive in that meeting,” or “I realize I’m bringing my frustration from another situation into this conversation.”
Those admissions are not signs of weakness—they’re demonstrations of maturity. They create safety for others to tell the truth. And they shift the tone of leadership meetings from performance to authenticity.
Emotional honesty also allows leaders to work on their reactivity in real time, which over months and years reshapes how the whole church handles tension and conflict. (Ephesians 4:25)
3. Make Reflection a Habit, Not a Hobby
Most church systems run on action: plan the next event, launch the next ministry, respond to the next need.
Reflection often feels like a luxury.
But without reflection, we repeat our mistakes rather than learn from them.
One congregation I’ve worked with builds 15 minutes of structured reflection into every team meeting. Staff members ask:
· What am I noticing in myself this week?
· What dynamics are emerging in my relationships?
· Where did I feel most connected—or most reactive—this week?
These small pauses teach people to pay attention to their inner world. Over time, reflection becomes second nature, and emotional awareness becomes a shared value, not just a personal discipline. (Psalm 139:23–24)
4. Develop Emotional Intelligence—Then Practice It Together
Emotional intelligence is more than a concept—it’s a capacity that can be nurtured and strengthened. Congregations that grow in emotional intelligence intentionally teach self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and social skill as part of their spiritual formation.
Some use structured practices like deep listening exercises in small groups, where one person shares for three minutes while others listen silently—then reflect back what they heard, without advice or correction. Others introduce simple frameworks for naming emotions, noticing reactivity, or using “I statements” in moments of tension.
Emotional intelligence grows as people practice noticing what they feel, managing how they respond, and staying connected even in disagreement.
Over time, the culture shifts from “who’s right” to “how can we stay present and connected?” That shift builds trust, maturity, and deeper community. (James 1:19–20)
5. Tell the Truth About Conflict
Healthy congregations understand that conflict isn’t a failure—it’s part of being human. What matters is how we handle it.
- I encourage churches to define a few shared practices for addressing conflict. For example: Go directly to the person involved.
- Speak for yourself, not about others.
- Stay in relationship, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Leaders can model this by telling stories of resolved conflict from their own lives.
When conflict is brought into the light and worked through with grace, people learn that truth and love can coexist. (Matthew 18:15–16)
6. Engage in Shared Practices of Stillness
In anxious systems, stillness is countercultural.
Yet, practices like silence, contemplative prayer, or guided breathing can cool the emotional temperature of a congregation.
I’ve seen leadership teams start meetings with two minutes of silence before diving into the agenda. Others hold monthly “listening prayer” gatherings, where people sit quietly before God rather than filling the space with words. These practices help communities learn to regulate emotion together. Over time, they create a more grounded, peaceful presence that carries into every ministry environment. (Psalm 46:10)
Congregations don’t become emotionally mature overnight. Growth happens through steady, honest attention to how we think, feel, and relate. As one pastor told me recently, “The most important discipleship work we’re doing is learning how to stay calm, curious, and connected.”
That’s the work of transformation—from the inside out. And it’s the kind of work that just might heal not only our churches, but our world.
