Is there a way to break free from autopilot addictions that threaten to drown us?
From a spiritual perspective, addiction is an experience we all share. Being caught in the grip of our autopilot behaviors can feel suffocating and hopeless. In his book Breathing Underwater, Richard Rohr goes even further and suggests that we live and lead in an ‘addictive culture.’
Whether we are ‘addicted’ to the applause and approval of others, to being needed, or to always being in control, our cherished, autopilot patterns and behaviors give us a sense that we are managing our lives and staying safe.
This status quo works for us until we are somehow deprived of the ’hit’ we need and find ourselves stuck in a mess, hurting ourselves or others, feeling out of control, and trying to catch our breath while submerged.
This summer I took a scuba diving course which I had been putting off for a long time. The class was called Stress and Rescue, and it is designed to help divers learn to manage stressful situations underwater, to help ourselves and other divers in danger before panic sets in.
In one surface drill, the instructor appeared calm, but unresponsive to verbal queries. When I approached to assist her as part of the exercise, she suddenly grabbed my face and shoulders, pushing me under. I panicked, trying to scramble higher toward the surface. I immediately experienced how:
Discomfort becomes Distress,
Distress becomes Panic,
and Panic becomes Dangerous.
Since then, I’ve wondered: How does this progression show up in my leadership at work? How quickly does my discomfort with lack of control or loss of approval escalate into real aggression towards others?
Ironically, learning how to interrupt that escalation and instead respond to underwater challenges and emergencies effectively requires that the instructor induce some level of stress for the student. “Ok, now when we go down this time, I am going to turn the air off on your tank so that you can experience running out of air.” Great.
Feeling the easy, comfortable pull of air through the regulator into my lungs suddenly hard-stop mid-breath is distressing, as alarming for me as suddenly experiencing the easy, comforting pull of approval from those around me suddenly replaced with disappointment. Will my distress progress into panic?
Out of air under the sea, my immediate autopilot reaction would be to shoot to the surface as fast as possible to feed my oxygen addiction. However, a much safer, and perhaps closer, option is to signal my dive buddy that I need help and share air with her.
There are other solutions to consider as well. The key to making wise choices, and avoiding compounding the problem, is to develop a plan before the crisis, to practice that plan when under elevated stress, and then to get feedback from trusted others.
If I do this, breathing underwater is possible; being deprived of my cherished autopilot is survivable.
The instructor also induced stress by requiring me to accomplish many new tasks at once. After bringing an unconscious diver to the surface, my job was: call for help, evaluate the diver, begin towing the victim towards the boat or shore, while removing all of the dive gear from the victim and myself, all while providing rescue breaths every five seconds without interruption. Believe me, none of these behaviors are a normal part of my routine dives.
Every one of these tasks felt awkward, clumsy, ineffective. My addiction to looking good, or at least looking competent, was severely tested. Still, with intentional practice and coaching, it was possible for me to show up to a stressful situation in ways that I had not previously been able to.
Leadership regularly challenges us to show up in new ways during stressful moments, in ways without trying to control others, willing to risk looking bad while we learn, listening non-defensively to the disappointment or criticism of others.
For those moments, here is my Stress and Rescue program for leaders-
When you are overwhelmed, or notice others around you getting overwhelmed:
- Stop and Breathe: If you are breathing, you are still functioning. Deep, calming breaths are important.
- Think: Along with breathing, thinking mutes the panic response. Identify the challenge as clearly as possible. What outcome do I really want?
- Break down the challenge into individual tasks: Trying to do everything all at once is overwhelming. Compartmentalize the separate tasks. Start with the first one. What information do I need? Who do I need to stay connected to? Who is responsible for deciding? How will we decide? What help will we need?
- Follow Your Plan: What guiding principles are important here? Which values come into play? Develop these guiding principles when you are calm. Practice them when you are stressed.
- Debrief Regularly: Who are you talking to? Who is supporting you? Who cares enough to tell you the truth about what you don’t see?
When we are facing that stressful challenge, we can choose to feed the autopilot addiction, or we can practice something newer, freer, something that allows us to breathe underwater.
