Conversation is my love language.
I love it when dialogue goes deep and we’re sitting up and leaning in, trying hard not to interrupt and listening just as hard.
I love it when we get into the groove of agreement and I love it when the friction of disagreement sharpens my own thinking and I love it when I hear something new and change my mind.
But like many of you, this kind of conversation isn’t my first language. My first language is about using words to win, to impress, to manipulate. My first language is to withdraw my words so that I can avoid being vulnerable or to punish by refusing to engage.
Over time and with many mistakes, I’ve learned practices in a second language that make it more likely that my conversations will be life-giving and productive.
Regulate myself. It’s my job (and no one else’s) to manage my nervous system. I take responsibility for my own level of reactivity, I remember to breathe, I remind myself that disagreement is not danger. I resist the temptation to use the other person to regulate myself – for example, by getting them to agree with me so that I can calm down. I resist the temptation to blame them for my emotional upset.
Say what I think. I can say it tactfully, I can say it gently, I can say it so that it is easier to hear but I need to say it. The best conversations are the ones I show up fully for. When someone tries to start a conversation by asking what I’ve been up to, I can really tell them. When I have a different opinion and it’s relevant to our conversation, I show up by not just smiling and nodding but saying that I see things differently. In my first language, I hide behind politeness but in my love language, I say what I think.
Listen like I might learn something. I’m learning to set aside the idea that I already know what you will say. I can guide myself toward curiosity. One way I’m learning to do this: to look for our overlap before our difference. This is a bad habit I’ve had for a long time. My friend told me about a book he enjoyed and my first response was to mention the one thing in the book that rubbed me the wrong way. Another friend told me about a movie she had enjoyed and my response was to question whether the movie was historically accurate. I’m practicing not doing that.
And that’s really the key. These are called practices for dialogue because they take practice.
This month at TLJ, we will be focusing on communication – on basic skills for everyone and advanced practices for leaders. We’ll talk about how communication flows in an organization and how to make that better. We’ll look at defensiveness and inquiry and we’ll explore what to do when dialogue isn’t enough.
Keep an eye out for the podcast and check this space and join the conversation at : https://www.facebook.com/theleadersjourney.us/.
